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Jaie’s Journey Inc… IA55787 …. We did it!!!

Well friends, we have finally gained official Not For Profit status. Took some time but better late than never. 

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Loose ends are being tied up and slowly but surely, the momentum is gathering to create something which will truly help those at risk of suicide and to provide postvention support for families impacted by suicide.

We have several large corporations/businesses coming on board supporting us for our future journey and the only way is up from here … positive vibes and positive ripples. With the communities being the people who benefit from it, which is the desire from ALL involved.

As I have previously discussed, I have attended a 2.5 day training program ‘Train the Trainer’ – Lived Experience with Suicide Prevention Australia and Roses in the Ocean (November 2015). Recently I completed event training with the Queensland Mental Health Commission & Roses In The Ocean in Brisbane (April 26th, 2016). On April the 27th, 2016, I also attended training in Postvention support with Standby Response (United Synergies) in Maryborough and a networking / renewing the partnership session. After meeting the Queensland Mental Health Commissioner (Lesley) on April the 26th, it was encouraging to see and hear how much dedication for a better mental health system, Queenslands own Commissioner has. Bronwen from Roses in the Ocean is still another amazing and inspiring person involved with this battle on suicide.

Olwen, our suicide support group Coordinator, has been carrying this banner for suicide prevention and awareness for 25 years (this year). Owen lost her youngest son Chris in 1991 to suicide and has been battling the systems and the stigma around suicide. Owen is inspirational and does not mince words. She is genuinely kind, generous and empathetic. I am so very grateful, Standby Response forwarded my contact details to Olwen. Between them all, they quite literally saved my life and have supported me (and my family) through this horrific journey. Owen is a wealth of experience, ideas and information and will be involved with planning certain areas of Jaie’s journey (I must advise Olwen is not a fan of my bike, so I just do not speak about it with her lol). However  the wealth of knowledge Olwen can contribute toward the prevention of suicide, is immeasurable.

Anyway, thank you to all of our dedicated followers and all who have helped us reach this pinnacle moment and I hope that you are able to stick with us for the rest of the journey to help others ❤ … For those who are new to our journey, welcome and we hope that Jaie’s Journey can help to make a positive influence in your own life ❤ …

 

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

 

Shadow Dweller

‘Shadow Dweller’a short story…
Even though we have lost our Jaie … 

Our little family still has many blessings to focus on …

Knowing and having Jaie in our lives, even for a very short 22 years, was the best!!!

Jaie taught us just how individual we all are and I miss having my often angry and moody youngest child venting at me or arguing with me over silly things.

I miss (as must Jade) trying to speak with him calmly after he has lost his shit, to get the real Jaie back.

I miss his hugs and his “Love you Mum”, at every visit or phone call.

It is almost 3 years and I still miss ALL of these things just as much as the first moment he left us in 2014.

Whenever you speak with me and you think I am great, realise this one critical factor, I gain my strength from my children. 

Living and Deceased ❤…

I will never be ‘okay’ … 
I am a surface visitor and a shadow dweller … 

The light is often too strong for me to remain in for extended periods, so I do as much as I can when I am on the surface, then go back to my shadows to regain my strength and rebuild my mask of ‘normality’ …

I am typing this out with tears running down my face. No sobs, the tears just flow freely and silently. 

As silently as my heart broke, in the early morn, of April 2nd 2014.
Sorrow is a strange thing. 

In its unbearable immersion, we find a true sense of compassion and sometimes, altruism towards our fellow man and woman.

So at times when it may appear I am at my most brutal, it usually means I am feeling the worst of the grief and incapable of showing mercy. 

But in the shadows I am watching and waiting, fully aware that I must be mindful of all I say and do. 

Because my actions and words impact others. Even people I may never meet.

Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare


Child Loss Echoes on Forever …

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

This quote was used on Jaie’s ‘Deed of Service’ at his funeral. Because indeed it felt, and still feels, this way. A child is meant to be a cause for joy and future preparations. Planning of weddings and family gatherings, not of choosing a casket and where to have their funeral.

Two years, 19 months and 9 days since Jaie died by suicide. Sometimes I do wonder how it would be to grieve for the loss of a child, without the added complication of suicide as the cause (please I am in no way trying to compare our grief with anyone else’s, it is simply a thought which occasionally passes through my mind)? 

Would I have coped ‘better’? Or just differently? Or is it truly what I believe in my heart that the manner in which Jaie died, while important in the grief journey in some ways, is irrelevant in others? Child loss is just that! LOSS!

It is this huge, gaping loss of someone who we have expected to share all of our past, present and future moments with, in one way or another. But we then feel the loss of our others children’s grief. We feel our hearts begin to bleed when they say or write how much they miss their ‘little brother’ or their ‘baby’s daddy’.

So we do wonder if there will come a point where your lives will begin to settle into a routine. A routine which shall always have that door which is slightly ajar, allowing thoughts of our loved one, to sneak out into our everyday lives. See this is also bittersweet, because while it hurts us, we have every right in the world to think and speak of our lost loved ones. No matter how they died. We are the Rememberers’ and that is what we shall continue to do.

The thoughts never stop racing through my mind, some days they are worse than others. Just as some days the triggers are far worse than others. No one understands the amount of energy it takes to just be ‘functioning’ in society. To be able to work and interact and talk and focus on my work load. But I will do it all happily, if it gives me just a few moments where I am not focused on how Jaie died and that he is actually dead. I take pride in producing top quality work and I want my participation in a job, to ensure that it makes someone’s life a bit more enjoyable or less stressful.

I am just rambling now. It is almost our 3rd christmas without Jaie and I am truly dreading it. Reality is like hindsight. A cruel and merciless beast. It shows no discretion or diplomacy, it simply is. We have no choice but to accept it or at least make out that we do, so the rest of the world can keep functioning as if nothing has changed. As if no one has had their ‘chain of life’ broken and discarded.

I am so tired and tortured and these are a non-stop battle. I am always both, to varying degrees. My pain never stops, it simply morphs occasionally to give me a moments respite.

Stay safe everyone <3.

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‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

You WILL live on in us ULLA (Blahpolar) … Thank you for the Support

This kind lady helped me to see past the crushing guilt when Jaie first died, to fight to live another day. And now Ulla is also gone. I am crying already and it is barely 7.30am.

 

https://theblahpolar.wordpress.com

I called her john, I now know her name was Ulla. This makes no difference to me, my grief is once more unbearable. I could hardly sleep last night. I had thought I was done with blogging, hung up my blogging boots: But how do I not revert to where I found so much solace […]

via Aww it has happened again; Grief strikes our mental health community, join us in solidarity — Marie Abanga’s Blog

RAGE, Poetry by S Moran

One of my poems was published online … First time ever 🙂

WILDsound Writing and Film Festival Review

Genre: Emotions

RAGE … by S Moran (31.07.2013)

It’s barely contained
Within my chest
A feeling of rage
Threatens to overcome me
Those who accuse of judgement
Are the perpetrators themselves
Because they need the excuses to release them from their own
chains
Chains which will always inhibit them
Imprison their very soul
I’ve no need for people such as this
No desire to have them connected to me
Ulterior motives motivate their actions
And they can see no wrong in this
But the moment their true colours show
Your rage is ignited
And burns intensely
Control is up to you
You are required to be your own saviour
Contain this overwhelming desire to destroy
That which has caused such a negative emotion
Reflection is imperative to survive it
Pool the rage within
One day.
Some way.
It will seek out the deserved few
What was once yours
Will consume…

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“Are You Better Now?”

I had to return to my GP for a new referral to my psychiatrist. I had the Locum doctor who was obviously unfamiliar with my background.

While answering the standard questions about medications etc, another question was asked.

“Are You Better Now?”

And within seconds my eyes began to fill with tears and I took a deep breath before responding, “Well I do not cry every single moment of the day now.” And then the next 10 minutes of the appointment was spent trying to not cry because all I kept thinking was,

“How does anyone feel ‘better’ after child loss or losing a loved one?”

Because, no I am most certainly NOT feeling better. I am simply learning how to wear a mask and hide my emotions most of the time. I no longer struggle to hide my emotions from the general public, because most of the general public do not wish to see a woman sitting, drinking coffee, with tears streaming down her face. It makes them uncomfortable and wonder if I am about to leap up wielding a weapon and harming others. I can tell because of the looks of horror and uncertainty on their faces. As well as the fact I have had people move seats away from me lol.

Amazing that as a society we view genuine emotions with horror and discomfort, yet we encourage people to show a ‘strong face’ etc, in times of despair. Oh sorry, but my son died 2 1/2 years ago and you believe this to mean my feelings of despair should be over by now? Well let me tell you that I shall NEVER be over my feelings of despair and loss, regarding my child. And until or unless you experience this type of loss, you have NO RIGHT to expect me to meet your beliefs about this type of grief.

I am angry, so very angry. My son did not deserve to die how he did. My children did not deserve to lose their little brother. Jaie’s Fiancee and daughter did not deserve to lose him in any way.

So I am angry to be asked “Are you better now?” I am angry my baby is dead. I am angry his little girl will have no living memories of her daddy. I am angry that my eldest son spoke of everything being ‘tainted’ by Jaie’s death. I am angry that my daughter does not have an argument with her little brother, but in the next moment is defending him against  anyone else. I am angry that his Fiancee has been placed with so much sorrow and stress on her young shoulders. I am angry I couldn’t help my son.

But I am not angry with Jaie. I am simply devastated that my youngest child felt so bereft of hope he took his own life. I am saddened he did not realise that he had an illness which destroyed his mind and life. An illness which was manageable.

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

Suicide is NOT a Joke!

Thank you to Jenn for her passion and dedication to this crusade. I struggle with jokes about suicide. I accidentally made a random comment a few weeks ago, that the moment it left my mouth I could have hit myself for it and I am a survivor of suicide.
Seemingly harmless statements and jokes, are not so harmless, when you consider for the approximately 1 million people who die by suicide each year, worldwide… There are millions of people left behind after their traumatic death, who love and adore them and we struggle to find our feet in a completely changed world.
This is shared from my Facebook wall July 23rd 2014 …

People tell me I get lost in my grief when I start to speak of Jaie and his death. They do not understand I am not ‘lost’ or ‘stuck’ in it. The grief is stuck in me. I have lost a part of my soul. And speaking of Jaie and how his loss is impacting me over time, helps me to accept this deep burden of loss. There is, quite literally, no way I can change,
A. How I feel
B. How it affects me
C. How much I miss my son (as do my other 3 children and granddaughter)
D. How long this takes. Because I will NEVER get over losing Jaie. Not in a million years.
E. That the loss of Jaie is SO painful and I am wounded so badly by his death, that walking away from anyone or anything who causes me stress or compounds my grief, is relatively easy.
F. Do not be afraid of not understanding this pain. Be grateful and respect that I AM.
G. You do NOT want to EVER feel this type of loss. But child loss especially.
So forethought and compassion when speaking needs to become second nature to ourselves. How about other people show the same respect and compassion as well…

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‘Sometimes Love Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

The Life of a Suicide Loss Survivor

 ***WARNING*** This might be a “trigger” to suicide loss survivors.  I feel it is time I use MY voice on this topic. It is time that those that have not had to walk in our shoes, and I pray they never have to, maybe understand just for a moment how painful jokes about suicide truly are to a suicide loss survivor. I hope that maybe, just maybe, this will help to educate and make a difference. I hope this is shared  and that when it is read people will finally understand how something as simple as changing a few words in their vocabulary can literally change the entire day, or even days, of a suicide loss survivor. Ever heard of a thing called PTSD? Please educate yourself on it, it is not uncommon for suicide loss survivors to suffer with it. Something as simple as a “joke” could literally set…

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I Don’t Choose Depression… Depression Chooses me …

Well meaning loved ones and people with the very best intentions ask me if I am alright often, which makes me feel worse than I already feel because I cannot find the words or reasons why I feel so down.
This puts me into a cycle of feeling guilty for not being more productive and being in a better headspace than what I am. So I begin to feel even worse and eventually I end up crying or withdrawing even further into myself so that I will stop impacting those I love with my negativity.
Depression is not something I can just switch on or off. It is not something I choose to feel or not feel. It simply is what it is and I struggle everyday to some degree with feeling like crap …
Suicidal thoughts still cross my mind and suicide is most certainly not something I would ever want to do to my children, family and friends or followers … But it is my reality and by being aware and mindful of these thoughts and depressive states, is what helps me get through them safely …
Learning to speak with someone who I can trust and tell them the truth about what my depression and anxiety tells me and why I might be so quiet and not talking all that much. But it is still difficult to do this. I still stumble over telling them what is making me awkward and difficult to interact with …
I wish this was not how it is. I wish that none of this was real and that my brain could go back to where it once was and working how it once was …
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‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’