Purgatory is Real …

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I struggle at times to explain how the loss of my child has impacted me, until this week.

I was looking recently into signing a contract for something which spread over several years and in the back of my mind, all I could think was this;

“Oh no! I cannot live that much longer without one of my children!”

This threw me for several days, however I do know that other mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers and partners totally comprehend what I am saying/thinking.

Purgatory is what every parent lives through once they have lost a child. Every single day requires a conscious choice to not only survive, but to thrive. No easy task when a portion of your soul is no longer with you physically.

Purgatory is when you simply wish to sleep (so long as there are no nightmares) to escape the nightmare that your life has become.

Almost 3 years since Jaie died and I still say to people, “I just do not understand how we got here? How it all came to this?”

I force myself to not cry because it is almost impossible to stop once I start. I just wish to find a dark hole to crawl into, curl up and never come out.

Medication can only do so much and the rest is on ourselves. Therapy helps as well, but I am certain that if I ever let anyone into my mind, they would run screaming from me and never see me again.

I would no longer be allowed to walk within the community. But then again I see what our so called justice system allows to remain around our communities so maybe I would still be  able to remain mainstream?

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

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Shedding My Skin

in a philosophical frame of mind. I hope this helps those struggling as we approach christmas ❤
Apologies for such a bleak status first thing in the morning, but this is how life has presented itself to me. And this is how I have continued to keep living and forging through the most difficult of times…

One realisation I had very early on, after Jaie died, is that I will never be the same person I was prior to his death (and neither will his sister, brother, fiancee and many others)…

When Jaie died (and in how he died), his death took from each of us a vital piece of ourselves, so we must now learn to live with this stranger in the mirror, which we have become…


Everyday is a learning experience as we try to get to know this stranger in the mirror. Everyday we attempt to get a grasp on how best to present this person, not only to the world, but to our own self…

This may sound a bit bizarre to the uninitiated, but trust me, it is a very real and ongoing battle. And not for all of the money or treasures in the world would you ever choose to be a part of this ‘club’…

I continue to fight so that others may be prevented from becoming a survivor of suicide. I continue to fight so that Jaie’s daughter can see, not only the damage done from her father’s death, but also the amazing courage that survivors have and how this courage may change the world in a positive manner, even just a tiny bit. I continue to fight so that I may lead by example for a small child who needs to know her father has not and did not, die in vain…

So I shall continue to shed my skin for however long I am alive, to enable myself to adjust to a world without our youngest (and most ratbag and engaging) boy. To inspire hope in my children and grandchildren that things can and will change for the better… To show them that death is not the end of everything and sometimes it may very well be a beginning (Not one we had hoped for but one we have had to make do with the best we can)…

So much love and strength to you all as we approach the Christmas period ❤

Love sometimes comes like a dream & leaves like a nightmare