Purgatory is Real …

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I struggle at times to explain how the loss of my child has impacted me, until this week.

I was looking recently into signing a contract for something which spread over several years and in the back of my mind, all I could think was this;

“Oh no! I cannot live that much longer without one of my children!”

This threw me for several days, however I do know that other mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers and partners totally comprehend what I am saying/thinking.

Purgatory is what every parent lives through once they have lost a child. Every single day requires a conscious choice to not only survive, but to thrive. No easy task when a portion of your soul is no longer with you physically.

Purgatory is when you simply wish to sleep (so long as there are no nightmares) to escape the nightmare that your life has become.

Almost 3 years since Jaie died and I still say to people, “I just do not understand how we got here? How it all came to this?”

I force myself to not cry because it is almost impossible to stop once I start. I just wish to find a dark hole to crawl into, curl up and never come out.

Medication can only do so much and the rest is on ourselves. Therapy helps as well, but I am certain that if I ever let anyone into my mind, they would run screaming from me and never see me again.

I would no longer be allowed to walk within the community. But then again I see what our so called justice system allows to remain around our communities so maybe I would still be  able to remain mainstream?

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

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“Are You Better Now?”

I had to return to my GP for a new referral to my psychiatrist. I had the Locum doctor who was obviously unfamiliar with my background.

While answering the standard questions about medications etc, another question was asked.

“Are You Better Now?”

And within seconds my eyes began to fill with tears and I took a deep breath before responding, “Well I do not cry every single moment of the day now.” And then the next 10 minutes of the appointment was spent trying to not cry because all I kept thinking was,

“How does anyone feel ‘better’ after child loss or losing a loved one?”

Because, no I am most certainly NOT feeling better. I am simply learning how to wear a mask and hide my emotions most of the time. I no longer struggle to hide my emotions from the general public, because most of the general public do not wish to see a woman sitting, drinking coffee, with tears streaming down her face. It makes them uncomfortable and wonder if I am about to leap up wielding a weapon and harming others. I can tell because of the looks of horror and uncertainty on their faces. As well as the fact I have had people move seats away from me lol.

Amazing that as a society we view genuine emotions with horror and discomfort, yet we encourage people to show a ‘strong face’ etc, in times of despair. Oh sorry, but my son died 2 1/2 years ago and you believe this to mean my feelings of despair should be over by now? Well let me tell you that I shall NEVER be over my feelings of despair and loss, regarding my child. And until or unless you experience this type of loss, you have NO RIGHT to expect me to meet your beliefs about this type of grief.

I am angry, so very angry. My son did not deserve to die how he did. My children did not deserve to lose their little brother. Jaie’s Fiancee and daughter did not deserve to lose him in any way.

So I am angry to be asked “Are you better now?” I am angry my baby is dead. I am angry his little girl will have no living memories of her daddy. I am angry that my eldest son spoke of everything being ‘tainted’ by Jaie’s death. I am angry that my daughter does not have an argument with her little brother, but in the next moment is defending him against  anyone else. I am angry that his Fiancee has been placed with so much sorrow and stress on her young shoulders. I am angry I couldn’t help my son.

But I am not angry with Jaie. I am simply devastated that my youngest child felt so bereft of hope he took his own life. I am saddened he did not realise that he had an illness which destroyed his mind and life. An illness which was manageable.

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

Suicide is NOT a Joke!

Thank you to Jenn for her passion and dedication to this crusade. I struggle with jokes about suicide. I accidentally made a random comment a few weeks ago, that the moment it left my mouth I could have hit myself for it and I am a survivor of suicide.
Seemingly harmless statements and jokes, are not so harmless, when you consider for the approximately 1 million people who die by suicide each year, worldwide… There are millions of people left behind after their traumatic death, who love and adore them and we struggle to find our feet in a completely changed world.
This is shared from my Facebook wall July 23rd 2014 …

People tell me I get lost in my grief when I start to speak of Jaie and his death. They do not understand I am not ‘lost’ or ‘stuck’ in it. The grief is stuck in me. I have lost a part of my soul. And speaking of Jaie and how his loss is impacting me over time, helps me to accept this deep burden of loss. There is, quite literally, no way I can change,
A. How I feel
B. How it affects me
C. How much I miss my son (as do my other 3 children and granddaughter)
D. How long this takes. Because I will NEVER get over losing Jaie. Not in a million years.
E. That the loss of Jaie is SO painful and I am wounded so badly by his death, that walking away from anyone or anything who causes me stress or compounds my grief, is relatively easy.
F. Do not be afraid of not understanding this pain. Be grateful and respect that I AM.
G. You do NOT want to EVER feel this type of loss. But child loss especially.
So forethought and compassion when speaking needs to become second nature to ourselves. How about other people show the same respect and compassion as well…

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‘Sometimes Love Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

The Life of a Suicide Loss Survivor

 ***WARNING*** This might be a “trigger” to suicide loss survivors.  I feel it is time I use MY voice on this topic. It is time that those that have not had to walk in our shoes, and I pray they never have to, maybe understand just for a moment how painful jokes about suicide truly are to a suicide loss survivor. I hope that maybe, just maybe, this will help to educate and make a difference. I hope this is shared  and that when it is read people will finally understand how something as simple as changing a few words in their vocabulary can literally change the entire day, or even days, of a suicide loss survivor. Ever heard of a thing called PTSD? Please educate yourself on it, it is not uncommon for suicide loss survivors to suffer with it. Something as simple as a “joke” could literally set…

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I Don’t Choose Depression… Depression Chooses me …

Well meaning loved ones and people with the very best intentions ask me if I am alright often, which makes me feel worse than I already feel because I cannot find the words or reasons why I feel so down.
This puts me into a cycle of feeling guilty for not being more productive and being in a better headspace than what I am. So I begin to feel even worse and eventually I end up crying or withdrawing even further into myself so that I will stop impacting those I love with my negativity.
Depression is not something I can just switch on or off. It is not something I choose to feel or not feel. It simply is what it is and I struggle everyday to some degree with feeling like crap …
Suicidal thoughts still cross my mind and suicide is most certainly not something I would ever want to do to my children, family and friends or followers … But it is my reality and by being aware and mindful of these thoughts and depressive states, is what helps me get through them safely …
Learning to speak with someone who I can trust and tell them the truth about what my depression and anxiety tells me and why I might be so quiet and not talking all that much. But it is still difficult to do this. I still stumble over telling them what is making me awkward and difficult to interact with …
I wish this was not how it is. I wish that none of this was real and that my brain could go back to where it once was and working how it once was …
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‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

#WhyISpeakAboutSuicide

April Fool’s day. A day when many of us allow ourselves to be pranksters and playful with those around us…

1st of April 2014, we lost that ability to be playful on this day.

We lost our innocence.

By 4.30am, the morning following that night, our entire world imploded and we began to be immersed into an unknown world of eternal turmoil, guilt, disbelief and shock.

By 8.30am all of my remaining children knew that Jaie was gone and we had begun to notify immediate family of his death.

Death by suicide.

Jaie took his own life and no one could even begin to comprehend why. Jaie has a beautiful fiancée and 7 month old baby girl, both of which he adored. He has a big brother who was one of his closest friends and confidantes. His big sister is a ferocious protector of her little brother no matter what. Then there was me, his mum, who no matter how difficult things were, I would always be there for him, when push came to shove. Jaie has his maternal grandparents who love him dearly and his best friends of whom all think he is an absolute treasure (a ratbag but you know :D). And Jaie knew all of this. Yet still he killed himself.

We, his family and loved ones, are left behind with the eternal questions;

  • WHY? Why didn’t he? Why didn’t I? Why didn’t???
  • What could I have done to prevent this?
  • How can we survive this?
  • Will I lose another to suicide now?
  • How did it get to this?
  • Didn’t he know I loved him?
  • Didn’t he love me/us?

And these are only a few of the incessant and cruel questions. Then there is also that lovely little friend who works amazingly well when combined with guilt … Hindsight … Which turns completely innocent historical discussions or incidents into a full on blame game with ourselves.

Almost 30 months into our journey and I can say that our minds and souls learn to manage the pain differently. We learn how to wear a mask and function like ‘normal’ folks. Meanwhile, inside our chests our hearts are tearing apart and in our skulls, our minds are constantly processing information received for potential triggers and emotional potholes.

Example: on the weekend while riding I saw a number plate with the year ‘93’ on it. My instant thought was “The driver is a year younger than Jaie.” Immediate thought after was “He is already a year older than Jaie was when he died.” And I had to pull over to make myself breathe and to stop myself wailing.

Individually, we are slowly learning to live with the constantly shifting sands, under our feet. As a family unit we are still struggling in many ways. Simply because of how close we were and are. Family gatherings are flawed now with the absence of a vibrant and energetic young character that was irrepressible and made the room fill with energy.

And his little daughter is full of that identical energy and we all try to take turns of getting a dose of her, like we are machines in need of a new battery to refill us with some vitality and desire, to continue to live in this messed up world.

Baby steps I keep saying is what we must do to survive. So we tip toe and try to find a suitable path back into life.

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‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

Please Help Me reach Others Who Need Help

https://www.mycause.com.au/page/112157/jaies-journey-around-australia

Suicide … One of the leading causes of death worldwide. 

I shall speak from an Australian perspective for most of this. 

Statistics from 2003 to 2012 show that for this 10 year period, 8525 people in Australia were killed in road fatalities. Suicide however, claimed 22,824 Australian lives for the same period of time (bear in mind America loses approximately 40,000 people a year to suicide and the mind gets blown away even more). 

Now why does the government and media not jump on this to try and stop this mass loss of lives? Are they that incompetent they cannot source some form of strategy or strategies to support people at risk? Or do they genuinely not give a rats arse about it? 

Almost 3 times the amount of deaths caused by suicide in a 10 year period, than to road fatalities? And not much is said. 

Sure the media will jump onto a story when it is a famous person who dies by suicide. They have to keep those ratings up somehow. But even then they botch it up by using incorrect and uneducated terms such as ‘committed suicide’ or they provide details of how the victim took their life. It’s all about their ratings I guess. Not about any sensitivity for the victims family and friends … Who by the way, are also now victims by default and the vultures of the media world simply do not care one iota about how much more pain and anguish they heap upon these poor peoples heads. Shame on them. 

But us everyday folk who lose a loved one (or ones) to suicide at least do not have to battle with the media. Instead our loved one is delegated to just a number on a coroners statistical report for the year. The media don’t care because there’s no hype or benefit to them to report about john smith who took his own life. To them they are a nobody. 

But this is where they are wrong. Every person has connections to others. Even though in their hour of darkest times, the suicide victim feels bereft of all who love them, there is a massive tremor that rolls through a community when someone they know dies by suicide. And the tremor does not just hit once or a few aftershocks in the couple of weeks after the person has died. They continue to keep on rolling in all the time, at varying intensity and frequency, so the survivors are left with a sense of instability they could never have envisioned, for many many years afterwards. 

They say there are up to 6 people closely impacted by each suicide. I know with Jaies I can assure you that it is far more than just 6 people. Myself, his brother, his sister, his fiancée, his daughter, his grandparents, certain friends and family members… We are all still reeling after almost 12 months of no longer having our precious boy with us. 

All I wish for is that I had an extra 2 weeks in which I could have sourced professional help for jaie with his bipolar and his stress and anxiety levels. I will never know if it could have saved him, but I truly do believe that it would have given him a far better chance than nothing being done by me. 

I am just stunned that the figures of deaths by suicide are so unknown. In Australia. In America. In Britain. In Canada. Across the world. 

Every 40 seconds someone, somewhere dies by suicide. Every 41 seconds someone, somewhere is left to try and make sense of it. 

Approximately 1 million people die by suicide each year in the world. And still nothing is said.  

And believe me when I say, there is very little sense to be made from a death such as suicide. 

‘Love sometimes comes like a dream & leaves like a nightmare’