3+ Years In. 

Most days our struggle is muted somewhat by work or ‘busy’ stuff. But it is never gone. 

The further away from that day our world imploded we get, the more difficult it becomes to survive. 

Our adjustment is a constant, organic thing. Our coping abilities are forever shifting, so we never reach a place of true peace. 

Or acceptance. 

This continuous need for adjustment is a huge part of why our energy is depleted so easily. And quickly. Grieving is a life long process, which takes a massive toll on the grieving individual. I feel guilty now, that I don’t wail outwardly every single day. 

But inside, I am howling like a banshee, just as I did when I first discovered Jaie had taken his own life. 

According to Gaelic lore, our family come from the Ó prefix. We originate from the insular Celtic lands. We have our own banshee. Our very own bean chaointe (keening woman).  This gives me some solace believing that she is still wailing the first death in 2 generations of Moran’s. I know I had to scream after learning of Jaie’s Suicide. It’s all I wanted to do. However I am the matriarch of our little family and had to care for those dependent upon me. So I let out my keening away from those I protect and kept/keep the lid clamped firmly closed around it. 

One thing I’ve noticed though, when I’m upset I generally begin letting this lid vent and I beg the universe for Jaie and his return. Very few people experience this level of devastation from me. Only the very trusted and true. Others may feel I’m trying to use my grief as a way to deflect from issues, but it’s not. I have to release that grief valve or I will not be able to function at ANY level. I do respond differently now, to issues with friends and family. 

This is another reason why I limit my contact with people. Not only am I aware I drain quickly, but I can also be a drain on others. 

Possibly as I progress along this grief journey I shall eventually be able to control my release valve better. But you know what? I’m human so tough luck for the rest of the world if I don’t. 

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

Purgatory is Real …

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I struggle at times to explain how the loss of my child has impacted me, until this week.

I was looking recently into signing a contract for something which spread over several years and in the back of my mind, all I could think was this;

“Oh no! I cannot live that much longer without one of my children!”

This threw me for several days, however I do know that other mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers and partners totally comprehend what I am saying/thinking.

Purgatory is what every parent lives through once they have lost a child. Every single day requires a conscious choice to not only survive, but to thrive. No easy task when a portion of your soul is no longer with you physically.

Purgatory is when you simply wish to sleep (so long as there are no nightmares) to escape the nightmare that your life has become.

Almost 3 years since Jaie died and I still say to people, “I just do not understand how we got here? How it all came to this?”

I force myself to not cry because it is almost impossible to stop once I start. I just wish to find a dark hole to crawl into, curl up and never come out.

Medication can only do so much and the rest is on ourselves. Therapy helps as well, but I am certain that if I ever let anyone into my mind, they would run screaming from me and never see me again.

I would no longer be allowed to walk within the community. But then again I see what our so called justice system allows to remain around our communities so maybe I would still be  able to remain mainstream?

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

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Child Loss Echoes on Forever …

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

This quote was used on Jaie’s ‘Deed of Service’ at his funeral. Because indeed it felt, and still feels, this way. A child is meant to be a cause for joy and future preparations. Planning of weddings and family gatherings, not of choosing a casket and where to have their funeral.

Two years, 19 months and 9 days since Jaie died by suicide. Sometimes I do wonder how it would be to grieve for the loss of a child, without the added complication of suicide as the cause (please I am in no way trying to compare our grief with anyone else’s, it is simply a thought which occasionally passes through my mind)? 

Would I have coped ‘better’? Or just differently? Or is it truly what I believe in my heart that the manner in which Jaie died, while important in the grief journey in some ways, is irrelevant in others? Child loss is just that! LOSS!

It is this huge, gaping loss of someone who we have expected to share all of our past, present and future moments with, in one way or another. But we then feel the loss of our others children’s grief. We feel our hearts begin to bleed when they say or write how much they miss their ‘little brother’ or their ‘baby’s daddy’.

So we do wonder if there will come a point where your lives will begin to settle into a routine. A routine which shall always have that door which is slightly ajar, allowing thoughts of our loved one, to sneak out into our everyday lives. See this is also bittersweet, because while it hurts us, we have every right in the world to think and speak of our lost loved ones. No matter how they died. We are the Rememberers’ and that is what we shall continue to do.

The thoughts never stop racing through my mind, some days they are worse than others. Just as some days the triggers are far worse than others. No one understands the amount of energy it takes to just be ‘functioning’ in society. To be able to work and interact and talk and focus on my work load. But I will do it all happily, if it gives me just a few moments where I am not focused on how Jaie died and that he is actually dead. I take pride in producing top quality work and I want my participation in a job, to ensure that it makes someone’s life a bit more enjoyable or less stressful.

I am just rambling now. It is almost our 3rd christmas without Jaie and I am truly dreading it. Reality is like hindsight. A cruel and merciless beast. It shows no discretion or diplomacy, it simply is. We have no choice but to accept it or at least make out that we do, so the rest of the world can keep functioning as if nothing has changed. As if no one has had their ‘chain of life’ broken and discarded.

I am so tired and tortured and these are a non-stop battle. I am always both, to varying degrees. My pain never stops, it simply morphs occasionally to give me a moments respite.

Stay safe everyone <3.

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‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’