3+ Years In. 

Most days our struggle is muted somewhat by work or ‘busy’ stuff. But it is never gone. 

The further away from that day our world imploded we get, the more difficult it becomes to survive. 

Our adjustment is a constant, organic thing. Our coping abilities are forever shifting, so we never reach a place of true peace. 

Or acceptance. 

This continuous need for adjustment is a huge part of why our energy is depleted so easily. And quickly. Grieving is a life long process, which takes a massive toll on the grieving individual. I feel guilty now, that I don’t wail outwardly every single day. 

But inside, I am howling like a banshee, just as I did when I first discovered Jaie had taken his own life. 

According to Gaelic lore, our family come from the Ó prefix. We originate from the insular Celtic lands. We have our own banshee. Our very own bean chaointe (keening woman).  This gives me some solace believing that she is still wailing the first death in 2 generations of Moran’s. I know I had to scream after learning of Jaie’s Suicide. It’s all I wanted to do. However I am the matriarch of our little family and had to care for those dependent upon me. So I let out my keening away from those I protect and kept/keep the lid clamped firmly closed around it. 

One thing I’ve noticed though, when I’m upset I generally begin letting this lid vent and I beg the universe for Jaie and his return. Very few people experience this level of devastation from me. Only the very trusted and true. Others may feel I’m trying to use my grief as a way to deflect from issues, but it’s not. I have to release that grief valve or I will not be able to function at ANY level. I do respond differently now, to issues with friends and family. 

This is another reason why I limit my contact with people. Not only am I aware I drain quickly, but I can also be a drain on others. 

Possibly as I progress along this grief journey I shall eventually be able to control my release valve better. But you know what? I’m human so tough luck for the rest of the world if I don’t. 

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

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Purgatory is Real …

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I struggle at times to explain how the loss of my child has impacted me, until this week.

I was looking recently into signing a contract for something which spread over several years and in the back of my mind, all I could think was this;

“Oh no! I cannot live that much longer without one of my children!”

This threw me for several days, however I do know that other mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers and partners totally comprehend what I am saying/thinking.

Purgatory is what every parent lives through once they have lost a child. Every single day requires a conscious choice to not only survive, but to thrive. No easy task when a portion of your soul is no longer with you physically.

Purgatory is when you simply wish to sleep (so long as there are no nightmares) to escape the nightmare that your life has become.

Almost 3 years since Jaie died and I still say to people, “I just do not understand how we got here? How it all came to this?”

I force myself to not cry because it is almost impossible to stop once I start. I just wish to find a dark hole to crawl into, curl up and never come out.

Medication can only do so much and the rest is on ourselves. Therapy helps as well, but I am certain that if I ever let anyone into my mind, they would run screaming from me and never see me again.

I would no longer be allowed to walk within the community. But then again I see what our so called justice system allows to remain around our communities so maybe I would still be  able to remain mainstream?

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

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Shadow Dweller

‘Shadow Dweller’a short story…
Even though we have lost our Jaie … 

Our little family still has many blessings to focus on …

Knowing and having Jaie in our lives, even for a very short 22 years, was the best!!!

Jaie taught us just how individual we all are and I miss having my often angry and moody youngest child venting at me or arguing with me over silly things.

I miss (as must Jade) trying to speak with him calmly after he has lost his shit, to get the real Jaie back.

I miss his hugs and his “Love you Mum”, at every visit or phone call.

It is almost 3 years and I still miss ALL of these things just as much as the first moment he left us in 2014.

Whenever you speak with me and you think I am great, realise this one critical factor, I gain my strength from my children. 

Living and Deceased ❤…

I will never be ‘okay’ … 
I am a surface visitor and a shadow dweller … 

The light is often too strong for me to remain in for extended periods, so I do as much as I can when I am on the surface, then go back to my shadows to regain my strength and rebuild my mask of ‘normality’ …

I am typing this out with tears running down my face. No sobs, the tears just flow freely and silently. 

As silently as my heart broke, in the early morn, of April 2nd 2014.
Sorrow is a strange thing. 

In its unbearable immersion, we find a true sense of compassion and sometimes, altruism towards our fellow man and woman.

So at times when it may appear I am at my most brutal, it usually means I am feeling the worst of the grief and incapable of showing mercy. 

But in the shadows I am watching and waiting, fully aware that I must be mindful of all I say and do. 

Because my actions and words impact others. Even people I may never meet.

Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare


I Don’t Choose Depression… Depression Chooses me …

Well meaning loved ones and people with the very best intentions ask me if I am alright often, which makes me feel worse than I already feel because I cannot find the words or reasons why I feel so down.
This puts me into a cycle of feeling guilty for not being more productive and being in a better headspace than what I am. So I begin to feel even worse and eventually I end up crying or withdrawing even further into myself so that I will stop impacting those I love with my negativity.
Depression is not something I can just switch on or off. It is not something I choose to feel or not feel. It simply is what it is and I struggle everyday to some degree with feeling like crap …
Suicidal thoughts still cross my mind and suicide is most certainly not something I would ever want to do to my children, family and friends or followers … But it is my reality and by being aware and mindful of these thoughts and depressive states, is what helps me get through them safely …
Learning to speak with someone who I can trust and tell them the truth about what my depression and anxiety tells me and why I might be so quiet and not talking all that much. But it is still difficult to do this. I still stumble over telling them what is making me awkward and difficult to interact with …
I wish this was not how it is. I wish that none of this was real and that my brain could go back to where it once was and working how it once was …
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‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

Jaie’s Journey Inc… IA55787 …. We did it!!!

Well friends, we have finally gained official Not For Profit status. Took some time but better late than never. 

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Loose ends are being tied up and slowly but surely, the momentum is gathering to create something which will truly help those at risk of suicide and to provide postvention support for families impacted by suicide.

We have several large corporations/businesses coming on board supporting us for our future journey and the only way is up from here … positive vibes and positive ripples. With the communities being the people who benefit from it, which is the desire from ALL involved.

As I have previously discussed, I have attended a 2.5 day training program ‘Train the Trainer’ – Lived Experience with Suicide Prevention Australia and Roses in the Ocean (November 2015). Recently I completed event training with the Queensland Mental Health Commission & Roses In The Ocean in Brisbane (April 26th, 2016). On April the 27th, 2016, I also attended training in Postvention support with Standby Response (United Synergies) in Maryborough and a networking / renewing the partnership session. After meeting the Queensland Mental Health Commissioner (Lesley) on April the 26th, it was encouraging to see and hear how much dedication for a better mental health system, Queenslands own Commissioner has. Bronwen from Roses in the Ocean is still another amazing and inspiring person involved with this battle on suicide.

Olwen, our suicide support group Coordinator, has been carrying this banner for suicide prevention and awareness for 25 years (this year). Owen lost her youngest son Chris in 1991 to suicide and has been battling the systems and the stigma around suicide. Owen is inspirational and does not mince words. She is genuinely kind, generous and empathetic. I am so very grateful, Standby Response forwarded my contact details to Olwen. Between them all, they quite literally saved my life and have supported me (and my family) through this horrific journey. Owen is a wealth of experience, ideas and information and will be involved with planning certain areas of Jaie’s journey (I must advise Olwen is not a fan of my bike, so I just do not speak about it with her lol). However  the wealth of knowledge Olwen can contribute toward the prevention of suicide, is immeasurable.

Anyway, thank you to all of our dedicated followers and all who have helped us reach this pinnacle moment and I hope that you are able to stick with us for the rest of the journey to help others ❤ … For those who are new to our journey, welcome and we hope that Jaie’s Journey can help to make a positive influence in your own life ❤ …

 

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’

 

Thanoversary … Year 2

So here we are, on the brink of Jaie’s second Thanoversary (Thanoversary – return to the date of the death). 

I began Jaie’s Journey – Our New Normal After Death by Suicide  to begin a movement that would not only provide support for those at risk of suicide or suffering from depression and mental illness, but specifically to provide validation, understanding and support for those bereaved by suicide. Through much research, it has been discovered that those bereaved by suicide become a higher ‘at risk’ target group, due to the level of trauma and guilt involved for these survivors of suicide.

Having an ability to access the internet to try and find others empathetic and truly understanding of how this form of grief presents, is invaluable. Jaie’s Facebook page is public, but let me assure you there are many private groups on Facebook, specifically providing support for those bereaved by suicide. I would love to name them here, however due to there being many living ghouls out there who are simply curious for whatever reasons, I cannot name any groups here. Yes, you read this right… Some individuals target suicide bereavement support groups for their own gains and interests. They masquerade as bereaved parents/children etc and request to join the group/s.

What have I learnt in the almost two years since my youngest son killed himself?  Many things … Some good, some bad and some I am still trying to figure out.

We have been fortunate to have an amazingly strong network of family and friends surrounding my children and myself. These folks are some of the most incredible and wonderful people a person could ask for, as a support network.

We have also discovered that certain individuals will target vulnerable and grieving people and their families, for their own gain and interests. The unscrupulousness in this world simply stuns me still.

I have been very fortunate in that even one of my main professional support persons has experienced the loss of a child. Not through suicide, but I know that they at least understand me when I ask the question, “This pain will never leave me will it?” I know that their answer is empathetic and genuine in the ways that count. I am still under the care of my psychiatrist (almost 2 years now and many more to go), as well as having returned to seeing my clinical psychologist for much needed ongoing treatment. I cannot ‘talk the talk’ if I am not able to ‘walk the walk’.

I am receiving so much positive feedback on Jaie’s public page, it helps me make it through the bad days, knowing that a difference is being made. I have always said that, if by speaking out means saving even just one life, then it is worth it.

With the support of many individuals, businesses, community groups, larger organisations, national alliances and friends, Jaie’s Journey will be moving into a different level of intensity over the next 6-12 months. There is a lot happening in the background, which I am unable to speak of yet, but slowly and surely, things are falling into place. Sponsors are sticking with us and looking forward to helping out, ideas are forming and being implemented to help us grow, so that we can really begin to reach those who need to be heard and validated. Ongoing training is being provided by organisations which have their collective hearts set on making a real change within our communities, in the safest possible ways.

One thing I am still discovering is the extent that suicide has impacted our community already. Almost every person I have contact with has been affected by it in one way or another. Which in itself, is disturbing and upsetting. We cannot afford to become or remain complacent… We cannot afford to start believing that “Sh1t happens and we just have to deal with it”. We simply cannot. 

2014 saw the suicide toll rise to 2864 lives lost … My son Jaie is one of those lives taken and I am angry, furious that he became a statistic for something he had never even spoken with me about. Furious, because I had often offered to help him find a counsellor for his anger issues at least (prior to knowing he had bipolar), and he never accepted the help. Furious I didn’t force him to seek counselling. Guilt that I never forced him to seek help. Anyone who knows Jaie, knows he could never be forced into doing anything he didn’t want to do.

So, we enter into the last week of his second year and dread entering into the first week of his third year gone from us. The triggers are many (more so than normal) and I am shut down a lot of the time, so that I can keep a lid on my emotions. When I begin to cry I struggle to stop. My heart did not just break when I realised my baby boy was dead… it continues to break every single time I take a breath, knowing that he is no longer breathing …

We have Jaie’s memorial weekend, next week and it will be good to have his loved ones with us. we have activities planned that Jaie would enjoy. Nothing over the top. Just BBQ’s, swimming, campfires and water fights. And remembering our much loved boy.

#thanoversary #angelversary

‪#‎jaiesjourney‬ ‪#‎restinlove‬ ‪#‎stampoutstigma‬ ‪#‎educationisthekey‬‪#‎exerciseandnaturehelp‬ ‪#‎gracedurbin‬ ‪#‎kidsmatterok‬
‪#‎depressionawareness‬ ‪#‎suicideprevention‬ ‪#‎differentbattlesamewar‬
‪#‎NOTHINGTOHIDE‬ ‪#‎GOYOURHARDEST‬‪#‎KEYBOARDWARRIORSAREBULLIESTOO‬

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Thank you to Olwen for your support and advice and for simply being there ❤

‘Love Sometimes Comes Like A Dream and Leaves Like A Nightmare’

Stumble in my Shoes for a Day …

A persons grief journey is as individual as the person. I cannot walk another’s path and they cannot walk mine. Although there will be similarities in the journeys, they will NEVER be exactly the same.
Much of this has to do with the individuals own emotional and mental makeup, as well as their relationship with the person who has died. With a loss of a loved one to suicide, it is a grief which is unexplainable, until or unless, it is experienced by another directly. (This is NOT a wish I have for anyone).

 
I have been bad mouthed, harassed, accused of being a thief and slandered for being a grieving mother, who has made a conscious decision to stand up and speak out, simply to try and raise awareness of suicide, mental health and depression.

Specifically from a Survivor of Suicide and grieving persons perspective.

Yes, this means I have also had to discuss and decide to place my children and family/friends, in the public eye, to a degree. This does not mean I am slathering their photos for attention. It is to show that Jaie has a loving and close relationship with his family. That Jaie has several close friends and they too have been traumatised by his death.

It is to show that many of those lost to suicide have every reason to live, but that something went terribly wrong and they were unable to ask for help. That we, as a society are responsible for helping to remove the stigma attached to depression, suicide and people (males especially) asking for help.
Also to advocate for others who are bereaved by suicide and they simply are unable to speak up publicly, about the trauma and devastation the loss of their loved one to suicide, has caused them and their families and friends.


 

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I have also been told I am brave and inspirational. I do not see this or feel this at all, even though I do understand the emotions behind such positive words. I do not feel brave and inspirational… I simply feel broken and sad and very lost, while I try to navigate a rough and treacherous path, which has no maps or bearings to help.

However, by contacting other survivors of suicide, the path has been made less lonely, then if I tried walking it alone. They may not be able to tell me which way to go, or how I should do things, but these tortured and brave souls are there at least to lean upon when I am exhausted and to remind me to practice mindfulness and self-care. Importantly, I am also here for them to vent or lean on in their hours of crushing grief and frustration or anger. This helps us all; so we know we are not alone, that we have others who ‘get’ how this truly feels and it helps us to find our way through a dark and despairing grief journey.

There are also many amazing and special friends and family who have stood by our sides without wavering and without any question.

Only to reassure us that “We are we here for you all.”
We are entering into our 2nd year Thanoversary (1st April) for Jaie​ and his 2nd birthday as an Angel (30th March). I struggle to move from my bed and room, simply because the emotions and grief I am experiencing, are so heavy.

 

People who spew hatred and anger at people who are bereaved deserve a special kind of punishment. And it is with true faith and belief that I will see this occur. Get this through your thick skulls, those who feel they have a ‘right’ to attack myself or my family…

You are nothing, to attack a grieving family.

You are nothing, when you bad mouth people who trusted you implicitly and you then broke that trust.

Not only broke our trust, but you abused it. Along with the trust of many others. I, as an individual took a stand on behalf of those who were/are unaware of everything and for those who were/are unable to protect themselves.
And I shall continue to do so, because protecting the vulnerable and at risk, is far more important than gaining anything in a financial manner and in a public arena.
As a survivor of suicide I shall protect those left behind as best I can, so that their trauma is lessened at least to any small degree. And why do I do this you may ask? Because I too am a survivor and I too understand the complexities of this grief from suicide. I understand the triggers are never simple or easy to navigate.

 
So before you (and this means ANYONE) judge me and my grieving children, family and friends, you come stumble a day in OUR shoes, to see just how difficult it is to find any form of solid ground, when it continually shifts from under our feet.

 

Jaie’s Journey Our New Normal After Death By Suicide – Facebook

 

#jaiesjourney #restinlove #stampoutstigma #educationisthekey #exerciseandnaturehelp #gracedurbin #kidsmatterok
#depressionawareness #suicideprevention #differentbattlesamewar
#bringiton #GOYOURHARDEST


 

Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare