I struggle at times to explain how the loss of my child has impacted me, until this week.
I was looking recently into signing a contract for something which spread over several years and in the back of my mind, all I could think was this;
“Oh no! I cannot live that much longer without one of my children!”
This threw me for several days, however I do know that other mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers and partners totally comprehend what I am saying/thinking.
Purgatory is what every parent lives through once they have lost a child. Every single day requires a conscious choice to not only survive, but to thrive. No easy task when a portion of your soul is no longer with you physically.
Purgatory is when you simply wish to sleep (so long as there are no nightmares) to escape the nightmare that your life has become.
Almost 3 years since Jaie died and I still say to people, “I just do not understand how we got here? How it all came to this?”
I force myself to not cry because it is almost impossible to stop once I start. I just wish to find a dark hole to crawl into, curl up and never come out.
Medication can only do so much and the rest is on ourselves. Therapy helps as well, but I am certain that if I ever let anyone into my mind, they would run screaming from me and never see me again.
I would no longer be allowed to walk within the community. But then again I see what our so called justice system allows to remain around our communities so maybe I would still be able to remain mainstream?
‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare’