I used to believe i knew about tiredness in years past, but I was simply kidding myself about what tiredness actually was.
Since Jaie killed himself, genuine tiredness/weariness is now a true constant in my life.
Constant, in the sense that I never wake up after a decent nights sleep, feeling reenergised and refreshed.
Instead I fight against opening my eyes and reentering reality and the everyday struggle for survival. Now it’s as if I have to brace myself prior to becoming fully awake and aware, that the hollow pit of pain in my chest, was not a bad dream. That this nightmare is one in reverse. Where sleep is an escape from the horrors which await me.
Our Nightmare is one that will recur everyday and night, until we too become nothing but atoms of energy around our remaining loved ones.
Being cleared of having bipolar today, was a massive relief for me. Major depressive disorder and anxiety are cruel enough to cope with. Didn’t stop me crying though.
I wonder what 2018 will bring us?
‘Love Sometimes Comes Like a Dream & Leaves Like a Nightmare‘