One shoe on – one shoe off

I was watching Jaies little girl today, just playing as little kids do. She had one shoe on and one shoe off. And I worry a little more when that unbalanced status is in her life, even for a short while, in case she stumbles and falls down.
And it struck me, that this must have been how Jaie went through much of his childhood and definitely all of his short adulthood. Constantly unbalanced and off centre.
Sometimes it was not as bad as other times, because in the back of his mind he had his intuition telling him that while one action would be good for him, certain other actions would be detrimental for him. So he ate healthy and exercised regularly. He maintained a stable routine and good sleep patterns. But he would have varying degrees of ‘One shoe on – One shoe off’ at all times.
I apologise to those who suffer severe mental health issues such as bipolar or schizophrenia, depression or other mental health condition when I make these comparisons, if they miss the mark.
But all I can do is think how Jaie escalated in those last 2 weeks from simply being unbalanced by a shoe to actually being in a situation where he ‘lost the use of one of his legs’ (figuratively speaking) and fell down completely, unable to rise again. And he suffocated on his pain.
But when we see our child obviously, visibly falling down or about to stumble, we can reach out and help prevent their tumble to the ground.
With an invisible illness such as bipolar (add on PTSD), unless our child really wants us to see their pain, we are often times incapable of offering urgent and necessary support. And then we lose them. Completely. By suicide.

‘Suicide is the leveller for many unwitting victims.
Suicide is the creator for more possibilities of it’s own evil.
Suicide will not turn you away from it’s deep, dark passages.
It will reach out and embrace you like a lover, while feeding you lies,
Then hand you the knife.
Suicide will send a tune that only you can hear.
Suicide will not care which of your loved ones is the first to shed a tear.
Suicide simply wants your soul.’
~ Sandra Moran ~

And so, this will be my last post for at least a week, possibly longer. We are holding Jaies remembrance vigil and his birthday balloon release in the coming days. And it is simply another step into the reality that Jaie is gone forever.

‘Love sometimes comes like a dream & leaves like a nightmare’

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8 thoughts on “One shoe on – one shoe off

  1. Your comparison is spot on. Heartfelt sympathies as you face the coming days. I must say that suicide may “want souls” but suicide does not always get what it wants. The soul lives on.

    Jaie is a good looking young man. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I wrote that verse when it was a dark day. I dreamt last night that Jaie sent me a feather. Our children do live on and around us. It’s just adjusting to this new way to love that’s difficult. I miss his voice and hugs.
      Love and strength from one mum to another xx

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your support. Tensions are running high here. Adding more stress.
      I see other parents surviving the loss of their children, so I know it’s possible. But the exhaustion of each day takes its toll.
      Love from on mum to another ❤️

      Like

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